I have suffered many unpleasant things in my life. I have lived through gym class, Sunday nights wasted at church, sex ed, poor decisions, sickness, break-ups, extreme pain, and so on and so on, but I must say that applying to college is the single most horrible thing that I have ever done.

There is nothing that could make you feel like more of a failure than finally finishing the basic information section of an application, submitting it, and immediately realized that you made a possibly simply minor mistake. Or, finishing the basic information section and realizing several weeks later that you made a possibly catastrophic mistake, a mistake that could change the amount of money you have and will give to that school in the future.

When you do it right, however, it's a good feeling. At least, that's what I've been told. I am applying to four schools. I have completely completed a single application, and am waiting for my response. That is the only application, thus far, that I have done correctly. And, of course, it's for the school that I'm least likely to get into, the big MIT.

By this point, the only way I figure I could actually redeem myself with this whole college thing would be if I actually got into MIT. Granted, it's not my top choice, and part of me hopes that I don't get into MIT. Frankly, if I got in there, I would have a huge decision to worry about. The thing is that, living where I do, MIT is a big deal. Like a really big deal. University, in general, is a big deal, and the crowd I run with is very focused on success. Going to MIT would really put me up a few notches on the success scale, and I would really feel good about myself (until, of course, I failed out). It's the name. MIT. Big, capital, intimidating letters that just seem to shout "I'm much too smart for this whole un-abbreviated business." Do you realize how much respect I could garner from people if I could say, "Oh yes, MIT, I got in there, I'm thinking of accepting."

It's an ego thing. But the other half of me still manages to shout above the ego, "YOU WANT TO BE A MATH TEACHER, GOD DAMN IT!" And I must admit that it has a point. If I go to MIT, then I cannot be a math teacher because they do not have a teaching program. So what will become of my future? I don't know, but there will definitely be a lot of potential ego growth in it. That is not, necessarily, a good thing. So please, the next time I talk about my application to MIT and I say "but I'm definitely not going to get in," you would be helping me a lot more by agreeing. I hear a lot of people tell me that I'll get in, and while I know that they are either being nice or over-estimating my intelligence, I begin to expect it, then I'm just disappointed. The same thing happened to me with my SAT: I scored a 2020, and I expected much, much better.

But, uh, this has so far just been a rant about my university difficulties. I'm just feeling kind of like a failure right now because, first of all, I flipped a bowl of salsa onto the ground while trying to pick it up, I tripped up the stairs at math team, and I've already managed to screw up college.

Argh. Can I just go back in time to sophomore year when I was like, happy? Please? Or, better yet, into a future where I am at college and don't have to worry about applying any more.