It hasn't quite hit me yet that I am no longer a student in high school. It's really weird. It's like, yeah, I'm sleeping in while my siblings are still getting up at ungodly hours of the morning, and yeah I have nothing to do all day, but no way am I graduated.

That's only for cool people. And I am certainly not one of those awesome seniors who are really no longer seniors but always will remain in my memory as such. I am definitely not cool enough to be one of them, no way no how. I am way too much of a high school student to be done with it.

I mean, I've spent a good quarter of my life (so far) in that building, with those people. It's weird to think that I can don a silly hat and robe, walk across a stage, receive a fancy piece of paper, and all of the sudden I'm done with it. If I had known it was that easy, I would have graduated a LONG time ago. Probably sometime when I was about to blow my brains out with all the AP classes I had. Or when we were learning about organic chemistry. Or perhaps that day right after my first serious boyfriend and I broke up.

Even though there are a lot of moments I will cringe about in the years to come, high school, strangely enough, does have one redeeming quality. High school has all my friends. University...that doesn't have any of my friends. They're all here. Sure, most of them graduated with me, but from now on they'll all be my "high school friends." I think the moment I realized I was scared to death of going off to school in the fall was when my dad told me about his university friends versus his high school friends.

"Carolyn," he told me wisely while we were out-and-about in the vast icy wilderness of Canada, my future land of schooling, "In university, you will meet the friends you will have for the rest of your life. You might keep in touch with your high school friends...but once you move away, it gets more and more difficult and you gradually just drift apart."

As someone who feels that she is already drifting away from her high school friends when they still all live in the same town, this is absolutely terrifying. What if nobody likes me in university? What if I can't connect with anyone? What if I'm going to be stuck as the drifter, going between several different groups of people but not really getting close to anybody? I still lose my high school friends, but I don't make any new, lifelong friends, and then I'm stuck alone in the world for the rest of time!

Yes, I am being over dramatic, and I apologize. As someone who has difficulty meeting new people and making new friends, this is a genuine concern for me. I have this other friend who visited her school a few months ago for a weekend and came back with a new group of friends and several boys' phone numbers. I've visited my school twice now and have yet to say a single word to another person. Presumably, while living there, I will say a few words to at least one person, but that's not even a given. Maybe I'll be so seized with fear that people will assume I'm mute.

That wouldn't be so bad. I wouldn't be expected to have opinions on things. I wouldn't be expected to make presentations in class. I wouldn't be pressured to have something interesting to say when the conversation is lagging. Hm. Being mute wouldn't be half bad.

Maybe I'm scared of college because it will mean that high school is really over. If high school is really over, then I'm way out of my comfort zone. If high school is over...all those memories are just memories and no longer hold substance.

If high school is really over...that means I'm going to get all nostalgic and weepy. Damn.