Could you please pass me a serviette? I just dropped my poutine.
about me
When I was young, I went on a pilgrimage towards the promised land of the United States of America from the frozen wasteland of the Canadian tundra. After adapting to the tropical climate of the northern states and learning the American tongue, I started this blog to document my life as a Canadian in the U.S.Eh.
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credits
Blog Design © 2006 Terka.
Saturday, July 04, 2009
My Banality
7:42 pm by evlglfngcwmstr
So I am going to use this blog as an outlet for everything I'm feeling right now. I hate to feel that I'm no better than the masses of teenagers who whine and complain and moan on the internet...but I really am no better than them, I suppose.
The thing is this. My boyfriend left me.
Yes, I know, it's a very banal sort of unhappiness but it is my unhappiness nevertheless and I reserve the right to whine and complain and moan on the internet.
I'm in a lot of pain. I don't fully understand why he chose to do this, but it hurts. I thought that we were doing really well, and I was really happy with us, but apparently he thought that his emotional instability would end up hurting more than this current pain. I disagree, and I let him know, quite vehemently, that he is wrong, but there's not anything I can do to change his mind. He's arrogant, and believes he's always right, and is stubborn, so therefore his mind cannot be changed. I'm the same way, so that either means that we were doomed from the start or we were really good for each other. I was starting to change my ways for him...I feel like, if we weren't only 18 and going off to college soon, we could have really been something.
I know that every teenager in a relationship must think that...and I'm sorry that this entry is so...stereotypical, but if it is stereotypical, then I'm feeling stereotypical. My heart is stereotypically broken.
Every so often, I have brief moments of clarity, short periods of enlightenment in which I realize that I'm going to be much happier with someone less emotionally messed up in the future, hopefully, and I feel a lot better, however briefly. I think I would feel a lot better a lot sooner if I had more to do this summer. If I had some sort of hobby, or full routine, it would be easier to take my mind off everything, but as it is, my days are empty. That, unfortunately, gives me more time to think and mull over everything that has happened between me and him over these past few months, and really, everything that has happened between us since I met him 4 years ago. With all the time I have to think, I should spend more of it thinking about why I'm better off without him. Or even thinking about everything I have to do to prepare for next fall.
Sometimes I feel apprehensive about going to college. I'll be leaving all my friends behind, and going off to all these entirely new experiences completely alone and far away from everybody. Sometimes I can't wait for college. I can't wait to leave all of the drama and pain and unhappiness of high school far behind me. I can't wait to meet people who don't know (yet) about some of the not-so-great things I've done in the past, meet people who will be my friends for the rest of my life. Meet, hopefully, a guy who will help me leave all this pain far behind me.
I'm tired of feeling this pain. Can I skip through it and get to the "I'm a better person from this whole experience" part, please?
The thing is this. My boyfriend left me.
Yes, I know, it's a very banal sort of unhappiness but it is my unhappiness nevertheless and I reserve the right to whine and complain and moan on the internet.
I'm in a lot of pain. I don't fully understand why he chose to do this, but it hurts. I thought that we were doing really well, and I was really happy with us, but apparently he thought that his emotional instability would end up hurting more than this current pain. I disagree, and I let him know, quite vehemently, that he is wrong, but there's not anything I can do to change his mind. He's arrogant, and believes he's always right, and is stubborn, so therefore his mind cannot be changed. I'm the same way, so that either means that we were doomed from the start or we were really good for each other. I was starting to change my ways for him...I feel like, if we weren't only 18 and going off to college soon, we could have really been something.
I know that every teenager in a relationship must think that...and I'm sorry that this entry is so...stereotypical, but if it is stereotypical, then I'm feeling stereotypical. My heart is stereotypically broken.
Every so often, I have brief moments of clarity, short periods of enlightenment in which I realize that I'm going to be much happier with someone less emotionally messed up in the future, hopefully, and I feel a lot better, however briefly. I think I would feel a lot better a lot sooner if I had more to do this summer. If I had some sort of hobby, or full routine, it would be easier to take my mind off everything, but as it is, my days are empty. That, unfortunately, gives me more time to think and mull over everything that has happened between me and him over these past few months, and really, everything that has happened between us since I met him 4 years ago. With all the time I have to think, I should spend more of it thinking about why I'm better off without him. Or even thinking about everything I have to do to prepare for next fall.
Sometimes I feel apprehensive about going to college. I'll be leaving all my friends behind, and going off to all these entirely new experiences completely alone and far away from everybody. Sometimes I can't wait for college. I can't wait to leave all of the drama and pain and unhappiness of high school far behind me. I can't wait to meet people who don't know (yet) about some of the not-so-great things I've done in the past, meet people who will be my friends for the rest of my life. Meet, hopefully, a guy who will help me leave all this pain far behind me.
I'm tired of feeling this pain. Can I skip through it and get to the "I'm a better person from this whole experience" part, please?
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| Name July 22, 2009 03:46 PM PDT  I know we aren't really friends anymore and we hardly ever talk, but every so often I check your blog just to see what's up. It's fun to see how much we still have in common (I probably could have wrote that exact same last entry myself) and how we've changed. Breaking up is really tough, its true. Thats why there are so many stereotypical songs about stereotypical heart break in the stereotypical pre-college post-high school period. And thats ok. Revel in all the stereotypical teenage angst you have because thats really what you need to do at this point. Eat all the cookies and ice cream you want and write emo poetry to your hearts content if thats what will help ease the pain. Here's the catch. Try not to fix it all and get back together or even try to be friends at this point. I don't know you nearly that well and I don't know this guy is at all, but I do know that whatever the situation is, if you try to force things it will all only get worse. With such a deep emotional involvement you can't immediately go back to friends. When you are the dumped instead of the dumper, nothing will make you appear more needy and unattractive than begging for whoever it is to take you back. Take this time to heal, to understand that this was an experience in your life that you will look back on as a positive one in years to come. Your friends will be your best asset at this point. Try not to alienate them. I know when you are so angry that the only option seems to be to spread the anger, if you're sad spread the sadness, etc. But this won't help. Don't expect them to fix things, to fix you, to fix him- they can't do that and you shouldn't expect them to. They know you're hurting and want to help, but you can't displace the hurt you feel onto them. Let them distract you. Fill up your days with silly adventures, without giving a single thought to this boy. Even if you know you will eventually grow apart in college, they will still be your friends. You will come home on holiday and want to hear about what their new experiences have been like and will want to share your own. Don't destroy this connection that has been so much a part of your life for so long, just because you know it will fade eventually. Keep it treasured in a special place in your heart that you can look back on. Don't let this ruin your last summer before college. You're a strong girl and I know you will survive. And if you need someone (with a completely third party perspective) to talk to, just leave a comment back and we can chat. And this is an entirely too small box to properly edit this extremely long comment so I apologize in advance for any lack of sense, coherency, or grammatical errors. | ||
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